I know I keep going on about food allergies lately. Kindergarten is fast approaching and the fear of anaphylaxsis is pulling on me like heavy stones tied to the corners of my clothing. To make matters worse, I had a “talk” with Fruit Bat last night just as he was about to go to sleep.
I wanted to impress upon him the importance that, if his body felt odd or tingly or itchy in any way while he was at school that he should tell a grownup. If not he might get very sick. So sick that he could die.
I have never used this word, DIE, in reference to his food allergies before. Not with him. And I probably shouldn’t have done it this time.
My concerns that, with the onset of hives or breathing issues, he’d dash into the school’s boiler room to huddle in a hot, steamy corner and, you know, DIE, got the best of me.
He’s generally good about his allergies. He’s cautious and thoughtful. He asks questions and grasps it as well as a five-year-old could. He most likely did NOT need a reminder from me that, if he ingested a peanut his bodily systems could shut down.
But I handed it to him on a silver platter anyway. Here you go son, Something really BIG to worry about for the rest of your life.
After I said it, he looked at me, stunned. He said, “I could die? I really could?”
He seemed okay for a few minutes. And then he started sobbing. He clung to me and wept and I, usually dry-eyed lately in the face of our food allergy reality, somewhat used to the fear and roiling emotions of having a child with such a hyperactive immune system, was instantly teary and regretful.
I tried simultaneously to validate his realization and assure him that lots of people are around to help keep him safe. That he’s smart and careful and that he’ll be fine.
I told him I’d stay with him while he fell asleep. I laid on the floor next to his bed and watched his expression and his eyes, filled with worry and understanding…until they closed and his features relaxed.
I’m wondering how he’ll feel this morning when he wakes up. What he’ll remember from our talk. How he’ll do when it comes back to him in bits and pieces while he plays with his cousins, who are visiting, and runs and dances and laughs through the otherwise normal life that we’ve constructed.
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