Posts Tagged ‘HSV’

Emotional Items and Sex

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

* I don’t have any strong religious, cultural or family beliefs or convictions right now that this sex or partner for me, right now, is wrong.
* I can and do take full responsibility for my own emotions, expectations and actions, as can and does my partner.
* I can handle — even if I don’t like — being disappointed, confused, or upset, as can my partner. I can also handle positive feelings which might surprise me.
* I have at least one member of my family, a friend or some other trusted person — who is not my sexual partner — who cares for me and knows me well who I can talk to with complete honesty about sex, my sexuality and sex life, my sexual relationships, and who I know will always have my back and be honest with me — even when they have to say something I don’t like — and my partner has someone like that in their life, too.
* I can intellectually separate sex from love — even when I love the person I am considering or having sex with — and do not seek to have sex to use it to manipulate, control or influence myself, my partner, or anyone else, or to try and “earn” or prove love.
* I understand that having sex could change my relationship for good or for the worse, and feel I can handle whatever may happen, good or bad alike. I’m ready to be surprised.
* I am prepared to deal with social or cultural judgment based on my choice to be sexually active as a young person.
* I feel I can emotionally handle a possible pregnancy (if applicable), disease or infection, or rejection from my partner.
* I do really want to have sex, not something else I’m hoping sex will substitute for.

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Relationship Items and Sex

Monday, August 9th, 2010

* I am able to create limits (to say no to anything when I want to as well as yes) and can and do trust my partner to respect them. My partner can do same, and can trust me in regard to limits and boundaries.
* I feel I can assess what I want for myself, and separate it from what my partner, friends or family want.
* Sex of any kind is absolutely optional for us both: it isn’t or doesn’t feel like a requirement. If I had to put sex on hols at any time, for any reason, or we had to wait a little longer for it, it’d be no big deal.
* I am able to trust my partner, and am trustworthy myself.
* I can tell my partner what I want sexually and emotionally, and when I do and do not like something, and I feel my partner can do the same. I can talk to my partner about sex comfortably, and be honest and forthright — even when it’s awkward — and they can do the same with me.
* I am comfortable being unclothed with my partner and physically intimate and affectionate with them, as well as comfortable with and able to be honest and accepted about my gender identity and gender roles with my partner.
* Both myself and my partner can be honest with each other about our sexual history.
* I care about my partner’s health, emotions and general well-being, and act — not just talk — accordingly, and can say the same for them. Any kind of sex between us so far feels balanced, like it is about pleasure for both of us, not just one of us.
* I feel like the emotional and intellectual maturity levels of my partner and myself are the same or similar.
* I feel I have a good handle on what consent to sex is and also what non-consent is.

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Recurrent Infections

Friday, August 6th, 2010

These usually occur in the same place every time as the virus stays in a specific nerve root. Recurrent bouts are usually triggered by one of several factors:

* During upper respiratory tract infections like the common cold hence the term “cold sores”
* Exposure to sunlight. The UVR (Ultra violet ray) component that seems to “activate/irritate” the virus
* Menstruation
* Stress
* Other viral or bacterial infections
* After surgery
* Poor diet
* After intercourse when there is mucosal abrasion

The recurrent episode starts with tingling, burning or even pain and within a few hours redness develops followed by the tiny blister (vesicles) which enlarge and fill with pus. It starts to rupture and crust within 1-2 days and heals within 10-14 days.

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What Do I Expect From Intercourse or Genital Sex?

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

It’s smart to take stock of what your expectations are, and give them a reality check. Talk to a friend who has had intercourse or other genital sex who is really honest with you (or an older sibling or family member) about what you expect, and listen to their own experiences. Gather diverse perspectives: one person’s sexual experiences can often vary a lot from those of another.

The truth is, if you have a list as long as Santa’s of sexual expectations, it isn’t very likely they’ll all be met. Sex is often not what we expect, whether the difference between our expectations and reality is positive, negative, or just another ball of wax. Often — with sex or anything else — the less we expect, the more we often receive. Intercourse or other genital sex isn’t a miracle cure for anything, and it isn’t always a fireworks show: it can be a wonderful, natural affirmation of intimacy, and an excellent physical and emotional experience as long as you’re ready for it and take it at face value, without romanticizing it or imagining it to be something it is not. The sex you have with someone else tends to be a mirror of your relationship: if your relationship is lousy, the sex within it isn’t likely to be better or to improve the relationship.

Some studies show that a good 30% of people never have sex again with the partner they lose their virginity (which is defined in those studies as vaginal intercourse, so your mileage may vary) to. Only about 25% of women usually report enjoying first intercourse, and less than 8% report orgasm from first intercourse. Those bummers most likely had to do with being ill-prepared in general, simply not knowing the basics, both partners not being equally invested in one another, and overall, with unrealistic expectations: in other words, they were not about something being terribly wrong with people, but about people’s expectations being out of whack. The cultural idea that the first sex is the best sex is almost always off-kilter: sex is one of those things that tends to improve for people over time; which gets better with time and experience, rather than starting off perfect and fantastic and either staying there or getting worse or boring.

Am I really prepared to handle all aspects of intercourse and/or other genital sex?

There’s a lot to juggle; probably more than you think. Here are what we see as the basics for what we usually need materially, physically, emotionally and interpersonally for partnered sex to be enjoyable, safe, physically gratifying, and emotionally sound.

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Sex: Who Do I Want To Do This For?

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

If it’s for you, and your partner as well as you: fantastic. But if it is for someone else primarily, and not for yourself — or JUST for yourself — stop now. Other people, just like you, have hands and fingers. They know how to use them to get off, and you can rest assured they’ve been using them long before you came along. Sex with someone else shouldn’t just be about self-gratification; that’s what masturbation is for. If your friends are saying you should, with no understanding of your relationship, or your own needs, they’re being crappy friends. A lot of friends who pressure their friends to have sex do so because they don’t feel all that good about their own choices, and want to hide behind endorsing sex to make themselves feel better. Tell them to carry their own baggage, not try and pass it off on you.

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Why Do I Want To Do This?

Wednesday, March 4th, 2009

If either of you wants to do it because you feel you must or should, because one of you is pressuring the other, you’re getting pressure from friends, or if you’re having troubles in your relationship and you think sex will fix it, take a biog pause right there. Sex between people should only happen when it is what both people very enthusiastically and actively want it, and not just because they think it’ll make the other person happy (or get them to stop nagging). Another thing to give you pause might be if you’re fantasizing about sex based on movies or television. Remember how in Tom and Jerry cartoons, Tom could hit a wall and walk away from it just fine, and you knew that wouldn’t work in real life? Same goes with a lot of sex in movies and television; it isn’t often as it appears.

On the other hand, if you’ve been with your partner long enough (whatever that means to you) to feel good about considering sex with them, feel a strong desire for sex yourself, and have a solid level of other sexual experience (including kissing, petting, masturbation); you feel you can trust yourself and your partner with limits; if you’re looking to explore your sexual relationship responsibly and sensitively, and for some greater intimacy and sexual exploration with no notion any certain result — positive or negative — is guaranteed, and you’ve got a firm grip on reality, read on.

I’d also suggest checking in with yourself to be sure that sex is what you really want from sex. In other words, take some time to think about what you’re looking for in having sex with someone else, and that what you’re seeking really is sex, rather than, for example, more general physical affection, personal validation, a way to cement your relationship, some kind of risk when you’re feeling stagnant in your life, friendship or other things that certainly can be aspects of sex, but which sex might also not really tend to or be the best choice to address or accomplish.

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The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

One of the biggest misnomers about partnered sex is that vaginal intercourse is “going all the way,” is the only “real” sex, and is some sort of final goal to sexuality, which is unfortunate… and untrue. It’s also untrue that heterosexual, vaginal intercourse is the only sexual activity which presents the possibility of both or either physical and emotional risks.

This idea has contributed to a whole lot of confusion and disappointment for many who have first intercourse or any other kind of first-time sex, and wonder where the fireworks and trumpets were, or why it wasn’t all they thought it would be. Even when we’re not talking about heterosexual vaginal intercourse, any kind of genitally-interlocking sex is often framed as “taking it to the next level,” even though in plenty of relationships, or for plenty of people, that may not be any sort of “next” or “higher” level at all, especially if one or both people involved really aren’t and don’t feel ready. It can be a big shocker to presume a sexual activity unrisky and then discover you’ve got a sexually transmitted infection, or feel some heartbreak from something you thought had nothing to do with your heart at all. Too, some of all that hoopla about why intercourse is THE sex can have to do with the fact that it’s often where the greatest risks are taken.

To have any kind of sex be important and satisfying, and as good as it can possibly be, anticipating, recognizing and managing those possible risks — both the wanted and unwanted ones — is a big help.

If you’re considering having any kind of genital sex — manual sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex — for the first time or for any time thereafter, there are a bunch of things you and your partner should know and evaluate, especially with an activity like heterosexual intercourse, where pregnancy is an additional risk. The best sex is pretty much always the sex everyone involved really wants and is earnestly ready for. So take stock, see where you stand in terms of a readiness ideal and get real!

A Reality Check Quickie

Intercourse or other partnered genital sex will not necessarily do any of the following for you or your partner:

* Guarantee a longer-lasting or closer relationship than you already have
* Give you or them an orgasm, or mind-blowing, earth-moving pleasure
* Feel great the first time, or feel like the ninth circle of hell, either
* Give you increased status or importance with your friends or partner
* Make you more mature, or grown-up, or a “real” man or woman

There’s a lot to think about when deciding if it is right for you and your partner to have vaginal intercourse or other genital sex for the first time. Here are a few basic questions to ask of yourself, and to ask of your partner.

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Sex For All the Wrong Reasons Part II

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Are you:

* Suffering from anxiety, stress or depression, or having unusual physical symptoms, such as stomach aches, insomnia, changes in energy levels or appetite, a sudden drastic increase or decrease in sexual drive, or other physical symptoms that are not caused by an existing condition or illness?
* Putting other important relationships or goals of yours at risk because of your sexual relationship(s)?
* Taking risks which put you and yours in a position of sexual, physical or high emotional risk, or feeling you must make many sacrifices to have or maintain the relationship?
* Feeling isolated from everyone BUT your partner, or having trouble thinking of others outside yourself and your partner(s)?
* Discovering that other important parts of your life are taking a backseat to your sexual relationship(s) or suffering (your grades, your job, your family, etc.)?
* Feeling sad or upset with sexual relationships or encounters far more than you find yourself feeling happy?
* Feeling you must keep sexual activity, tension or issues high and escalating to maintain the relationship, using sexual activity to avoid or diffuse relationship conflicts, or, finding that you are “zoning out” during sexual activity?
* Becoming unable to be autonomous and have a life and sense of self independent of your partner or a sexual relationship?
* Feeling bad about yourself in general, or specifically in regard to your sexual relationship or behavior?

If you’re experiencing any of these things, I’d suggest you find at least one person who is not your sex partner to talk to about the situation who you feel can be objective, maybe a friend, maybe your clergy leader or a teacher, maybe an aunt or uncle. Take some time alone, too, to really look at how you’re feeling, and seek out trouble spots or conflicts. Talk to your partner as well. Making a reality check with someone else and yourself, then talking to your partner, is pretty vital and a good management tool. Things like those listed above may be a signal that your sexual relationship or behavior isn’t healthy and balanced, or is doing you harm. And checking in with that possibility now and again never hurts.

It’s important to remember that when we get involved sexually, we are taking risks — physical and emotional — no matter what. There is no such thing as a no-risk sexual scenario, no matter your age or situation. We take the risk of having our hearts broken, of being disappointed, of STD/STI transmission or pregnancy, of conflict over our sexual choices with friends or family, of finding out things about ourselves or our partners which may change our feelings or lives, amongst other things. Sexuality involves very deep intimacy and feelings and when we explore those feelings, we take risks.

That isn’t to say that all risks are bad to take, and on some level, in order to also discover things that ARE healthy for us, that are beneficial and bring us joy, we do have to take risks and chances. That’s the case whether we’re talking about a sexual relationship or scenario, or trying out for the school basketball team, applying to colleges, or getting your first apartment. But taking risks which we know or suspect are foolhardy, which are more likely than not to harm us or others, or are grossly negative, is risking too much for too little, and sometimes for all the wrong reasons. Again, sex need not be harmful or hurtful, and can be a very positive and wonderful thing — and when it is not, it may be because we are creating or continuing the situations and environments which make it negative for us and others. We all need to learn to avoid doing that, to be mindful of it, if we want our sexual lives and relationships to be healthy, happy and of real quality.

And isn’t that what we all want? So, go on and take a big risk — the risk of handling sexual relationships with care, love and patience, and with your whole health and well-being — physical and emotional; personal and communal — at heart.

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Sex For All the Wrong Reasons

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

It’s hard to arbitrarily say what the “right” and “wrong” reasons for sex, sexual activity and sexual relationships are, because that differs a lot from person to person and relationship to relationship. We all have our own sets of needs, priorities, desires, goals and aims, and unique relationships.

But there are reasons for having sex that simply are a recipe for disaster, for emotional upset on all sides, for disappointment, hurt or which just aren’t reasonable or fair to you or to a partner. Some of those are:

* Being sexually active primarily because others around you are sexually active, and thus, you want to fit in, or because someone is pressuring you.
* To try and fill a void as far as self-wroth, esteem or confidence with sex.
* To try and “trick” or manipulate a partner into giving you something you want (such as a relationship commitment) with sex or the promise of sex.
* To avoid being alone or to feel less lonely by having a sex partner or partners
* To get attention from parents, friends or others, to make another person jealous or envious, or to force a reaction from someone by being sexually active.
* To “prove” one is an adult to someone by showing one can have sex.
* To create conflict or upset via sexual choices, activities or relationships.
* To take a sex partner when one simply wants sexual release for themselves akin to masturbation.
* To become pregnant without consulting a partner in an effort to try and keep that partner.
* To find out, in action, if you’re ready for sex or not.
* To “just get sex over with.”
* To “prove” love or care to a partner, or to try and impress someone.

It’s not always easy if we are sexually active for the wrong reasons to see what we’re doing, and that we ARE doing it for the wrong reasons. More often, we figure that out in hindsight. That’s why it’s so important to really be as self-aware and as honest with yourself and others as you can, and when you have feelings of doubt, hesitation or anxiety, to take the time to stop and really look at them. It’s also important to be kind and fair with yourself if you discover some of your reasons for being sexually active are wrong, unfair, unkind or just unrealistic — it is a situation pretty much all of us have found ourselves in at least once (and often more than once). It happens, and it is okay, so long as we do become aware of it, and take steps to remedy our errs when we have that awareness.

And in stepping back from those mistakes or errors, we may find we or our partners get hurt in the process regardless: we may have to stop a relationship, or pull back, or spend some time alone, or set aside things that we liked doing or having a lot.

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Safer Sex For Your Heart

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

We talk a lot about sexual safety and safer sex here at Scarleteen in terms of your physical health. But what about checking in to see if sex is safe for you and yours emotionally? Taking care of your emotions, looking out for risk factors in advance — not just when they become an existing crisis — and safeguarding yourself, your partners and those around you from needless hurt and harm is just as important as doing what you can to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

Sexuality and sexual partnership is more than just physical, even when it’s casual — it involves our feelings and thoughts as well, and those of our sexual partner.

It seems that a lot of what we hear in terms of safeguarding our emotions — if we hear anything at all — in regard to sex (and remember that here at Scarleteen, when we say “sex” we mean any number of sexual activities, not just sexual intercourse or heterosexual sex) is that either sex is okay, or it isn’t, and we just shouldn’t engage in it if we don’t want to be hurt or hurt others. Or, that only sex within marriage is safe emotionally, but that simply isn’t so: people are no less likely to become hurt by sex within marriage than they are outside it, especially if high divorce rates and spousal sexual and other abuse rates are any indication. To boot, marriage is neither an option nor a goal for everyone.

Only seeing general, binary options — to either have sex or not to — doesn’t help us an awful lot, or give us food for thought to determine what may be risky sexual behavior for any of us when it comes to our hearts, minds and the quality of our relationships and sexual life. Sex is not something that need be hurtful, or that we have to avoid so as not to get hurt or hurt anyone else. When entered into with a solid basis of self-awareness, empathy, care, good judgment and an arsenal of accurate information, sex has no more the capacity to hurt than anything else in life, and has the capacity to be something wonderful, empowering and beneficial.

Just like using condoms, gloves and dams, and having regular sexual health care is preventative medicine to do your best to stay physically safe and healthy; being on the lookout for high emotional risks, hurtful or unrealistic situations, or potential sexual and emotional trouble is preventative medicine to stay emotionally healthy, and help those you’re involved with do the same. It’d be silly and shortsighted to only give information on a sexually transmitted disease after one already has it, or to avoid looking at what we could do to lessen the likelihood of getting one in the first place. So, think of the following pages as preventative medicine for sexually transmitted infections of the emotional variety. If you get informed, keep a watchful eye and protect yourself and those you care for from the very start, you’re much more likely to remain healthy and happy and sexually well, above, as well as below, the waist.

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